V. v. relevant lyrics. This entry deemed The one where Crys ponders, depresses, and weirds out all.

"This is no mere ranger! This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."
Legolas is so naturally-not-blonde-looking, and that's so hot.

Anyway. I've spent this past week crying. In fact, I spent the entire day crying, so much so that my eyes and cheeks sting. I don't know why. I want to figure that out. This won't be a happy entry, with me fantasizing about what I would do with Orlando Bloom if he ended up alone in a room with me. This is a depressive entry with random, incoherent thoughts and possible lightness at the end. If you're lucky.

I have many ways of getting through problems. They all work well, and depend on how I feel. I lift weights, run, write poetry or fanfic, sketch pictures, scribble madly in my paper diary (thank the gods you don't get to read that one) or just turn on music and get angsty. Usually the last one doesn't help unless I'm breaking things while I do it. The thing is, I could never work through problems in ways that some other people do: drugs, alcohol, sex, getting into fights. I mean, the drugs and alcohol are a promise I've made to myself (I want to be the first person in my family who doesn't depend on them), the fights are moral (I could kick ass all too easily, but am far too mild to do so) and the sex - well, believe it or not, I'm holding out until I'm at least 16. Those reasons are my own.

The point is, I find myself unable to work through my problems in those ways. Through the summer, all I would ever do was read/write fanfiction, clean the house (gosh, one of my favourite things to do, I clean multiple times a week), and run. Run, run, run, like a hamster on a wheel. I was about the happiest I had ever been, I was relaxed and content, and it was good. I was so incredibly mellow that my approach to school was, "Bring it on, I'm sure it'll be fine," accompanied with a shrug. School started, 'twas an alright first day, since I was still impossibly mellow. Over the past few months, though, I've noticed the change. I'm being loaded down with schoolwork. My small circle of friends isn't fun anymore. I don't enjoy working out anymore. My honors class is full of the popular and preppy people who didn't notice me last year, and still haven't. I think my pink hair and wearing slippers to school turned them off a little bit. Who knew?

I could try to make friends, sure, but what's the use? All these smart kids have their cemented groups of friends, and I can't get through that. Not that I'd want to, they're gorgeous and friendly but I could never really talk to them. Not that I'm not smart or anything, but I'm a dork. I'm the kid that listens to metal and punk rock, makes her own trends, yet is really very squeaky clean. The only thing stopping me from being the "rebellious prep" is that I'm painfully quiet and awkward in social situations. At school, though, I feel the teachers treat you differently according to your place on the social spectrum. That's been my experience, as my teachers this year are big stupid heads, as opposed to my teachers last year, who always had a "You dyed your hair AGAIN?" or a "Wow, nice slippers!" for me. I think that last year, though, I radiated self-confidence because my friend and I had this Who can be dorkier? thing going. It was a dead tie, as we are both impossibly geeky.

Anyway, I don't like anyone at all in my honors class and therefore am sort of alienated. It's okay, I suppose, since school is about work anyway. But being with the same people every class sort of leaves you alone with thoughts which consume. That's what has happened to me. Writing it now, it seems as though I could forget about it. But it's hard. I mean, my relationships with my friends have suffered since I only see them during lunch hour every day and during that time I just crank up the Papa Roach and work on homework. Maybe I subconsciously know that talking to my friends is my release and that's why I don't do it. The same could be said for me losing interest in everything that I enjoyed. You know, that very well could be it.

*nod* I think that's it. Wow, I should so have a Ph.D or some funkiness like that. What I need to do is sort out my priorities. I need to keep working out, cleaning like a loon, and writing, and maybe it'll figure itself out. The thing is, though, that would mean that I'm online virtually never, like I was in October. Like, maybe once during the week and once on the weekend, but that's it. I don't think that I'll be missed. The Internet is quite the fickle place. I only have four people that I care about online, truly. You know who you are, and I wish I could kidnap you all. But if I got everything I wished for, wow. I would have Britney Spears' belly, be the WWE Champ, and live in a mansion in California with various males (Do I really need to name them? You've got 'em memorized), who moonlight as sex slaves and know how to make half-decent fettuccini. That would be great.

But yeah. *sigh* This has taken so much out of me, and to think I solved it in about 40 minutes of typing and thinking. What the fuck? Why didn't someone just give me a keyboard four years ago and say, "Your step-dad's a drug addict? Type about it," or, "You're pondering the quickest way to kill yourself? Why not elaborate? Here, type it out!" It would have helped me a lot. I feel much better. Holy shit. LOL. I cannot fucking believe this. I guess the lightness came sooner than I thought, time for random and pervy thoughts because I don't want to stop typing just yet.

Gimli is a decidedly less loveable Hagrid. Legolas is a dead sexy male Veela. Elrond is Sirius. Frodo is Harry w/hairy feet, Sam is an attractive Ron. Gandalf is a cool Dumbly, Saruman would be (old, so-not-as-fuckable-but-nevermind-that) Lucius. I mean, I've been getting these sneaking suspicions that J.K.R. has read a bit too much Tolkien, because watching Harry Potter feels like a younger, less responsible LotR. Or maybe the lack of sleep is kicking in.

I have such a fondness for this lyric: "I miss your purple hair / I miss the way you taste"? I used to have purple hair and the mentioning of "taste" in a lyric automatically gets it onto my permanent playlist, no clue why. I love Our Lady Peace.

Avril Lavigne is pretty damned talented! I just realized that. If she went to my high school, she'd be one of those stupid stoner-skaters, but an actual attractive one. I heard her on SNL tonight. My first impression was, "Hey, she's wearing a Home Hardware t-shirt! Rock on! Then I remembered that I 'hate' her, or at least I'm supposed to. I observed that her backup singer-dude complimented her voice amazingly well. I then noticed just how deliciously Canadian she sounded (I didn't realize that Canadians sounded different; wow, I wonder if I have that accent). Then I was shocked, in a very good way, at how well she hit the high notes. It hit me, much like a lightning bolt - she is talented. Not only that, but she's so Canadian! I think I'm in love. Heeeeeeee.

Why the hell is porn on TV? I thought I was watching Lord of the Rings for the fiftieth fucking time, what happened? Well, as long as it's on... only kidding ;P

THE RUSSIANS WANT YOUR HEAD?! I hate it when closed captioning just stops for no reason; it's always at the weirdest quote imaginable. Blerg.

Did anyone else notice that I started to actually care about LotR and subsequent actors a full bloody year after everyone else? I'm so slow. Last year I was doing the whole "Yeah, I'm too different to like LotR" thing. But I'm not a fangirl, really. I just enjoy perving on the actors in costume and becoming engulfed in the surreal detail and fantasy that the trilogy brings. Mmhmm.

Watched SNL, as previously mentioned. Gay Hitler is just hilarious. I love Chris Kattan. Oh, and Maya Rudolph's Donatella Versace is the funniest thing. Ever. Jimmy Fallon's constant O.A.C. cracking up is so cute, as well.

Look at these drawings!!! It is now my life's dream to draw like these people. They've captured him so well. Especially the pupils of his eyes in the second and third drawings, they look very unholy. Same with his hair in the first and fourth ones. Isn't it dorky how I sit there and look at those drawings for at least five minutes straight, staring at the pencilling, scale, detail, and thinking about the mood the artist must have been in? I hate people with talent. Makes me want to write.

Boromir died! For the third time today (LOL!), but that doesn't make it any less sad. I cry every time I see it. God, I'm a nerd, aren't I?

Another of my life's dreams is to be in a Viggo Mortensen/Sean Bean sandwich, possibly with some Orlando, but just for decoration. Wow, total inspiration to write slash. MS Word, here I come!

Well, if you've read each and every word and clicked the links, you deserve a cookie. Or my condolences for wasting precious minutes of your day. Personally, I'd pick the cookie. To paraphrase Comic Book Guy: WEIRDEST. ENTRY. EVER.

then + now