The birthday party was pretty good. I have this habit of showing up a bit late for all the parties I go to, and half the time I just give the host money as a present. But I'm still invited to a ton of birthday parties, isn't that odd? I suppose it's because I'm funny when I'm tired.

We watched Rose Red, which is a Stephen King novel-turned-to-made-for-tv-miniseries movie (term sorta stolen from Fallon, who I haven't talked to in a while but still love. Heh. Anyway, I was VERY against renting it because:
A) It's over four freaking hours long!
B) I wanted to watch a comedy, since I wasn't feeling too well.

So I presented my argument, but they rented it anyway. Waah, I wanted to rent Urban Legend. So we watch it, I'm somewhat bored and anxiously watching the clock, yet feel this strange attraction to the chick that plays Annie. She's such a good actress.

That's basically all we did, really. Nothing too interesting.

Drum lessons were tough. I have no ear for deciphering which drums were used in a song. Due time, though.

I don't like how I come across in this diary. I must sound very hyper, like I have sugar every second of the day. I must also sound very hormonal - which I am - but I'm really much more reserved in real life and over IM. I sound very idiotic in my entries, I'm sure, which isn't good at all.

Tomorrow I have to go to school. I feel so very out of place at school. My hands get clammy, and I feel so red-faced, I'm so awkward and nervous all of the time, and can't concentrate. I don't know why this is. I'm so cool and calm when I'm with my friends, or at home, but I'm scared and stupid at school. I don't like it. It's either self-consciousness, or something more serious. I really wish I could be confident and sit there and be all "I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm cool" but that won't happen. It's frustrating.

I've lost four pounds because of my lack of eating. I know if I could work out, I'd lose twice as much. I hate my headaches. I'm having a low moment. I feel like my body is so incredibly flawed. I remember being 11 and thinking nothing of my body, not focusing on my flaws or flab, just thinking of my body as something to clothe. But now I constantly assess my imperfections and wish my body could be better. Damned teenage angst.

I read the single most phenomenal piece of fanfiction anyone would ever hope to read, regardless of what fandom they're in, be it Harry Potter, WWE, or what have you. (I'm in both.) It's called My Bloody Valentine, and it focuses on Amy and her "mystery lover" as they meet in a dance floor, he's all aggressive, then the all-consuming feelings lead them to the ladies bathroom. It's revealed that the mystery man is...

...Raven. Non-WWE fans wouldn't know nor give a shit who he is, but he's this amazing, goth, kilt-wearing hot, broody wrestler whom I've always had a secret hankerin' for, and his pairing with Amy seems so real, and so right. I cannot sing the praises of this story enough, go read it, I don't care whether or not you watch wrestling because the plot has NOTHING to do with it, and it's moderately short, too. It's rated NC17: some heavy fucking here, people. GO READ IT.

I don't talk to many people online. There's a girl who owns a Harry Potter site, we babble about the movies and books from time to time. I talk to some other people, but they bore me. The people I actually know are really boring online. I talk to one person, most of the time. I feel as though I can confide in him, but I'm not too sure. Him and my (paper) diary, they're my release.

My mom just spouts her stupid clichés at me. "Oh, God created everyone equal." "Oh, don't worry so much about things." FUCK OFF. You don't understand how my mind works and how fucking serious these things are to me, so don't even try to comprehend anything to do with me. You're here to buy me stuff, provide for me, and to talk to me when I choose to let you. I'll move away soon, until then, just shut up.

I'm suffering from some major self-consciousness and low self-esteem issues. I have no confidence in myself and always feel sad, it leads to headaches and a tear-stained pillow. I'm just not happy right now. I want someone to talk me through this, because I don't think I can do this alone.

then + now