I feel discontented. Sort of sad, but mostly isolated.

I live in a moderately small town. And I love the people that live here, they're by no means hillbillies or anything, and are somewhat friendly. But I long for more. I used to live in Edmonton, and I miss being able to sit outside at night and observe all the sounds. The cars constantly going by, people talking, music playing. I miss it all. I feel extremely alone and isolated in this town, mainly because it's above the Rural/Urban line, meaning that there aren't any large cities this far north. And I feel sort of isolated from America - I feel as though I'm "safer", the nearer to the border I am. It's very odd. But I know that as soon as I turn 18, I'm moving to Edmonton. And as soon as possible after that, I'm moving to either Toronto or the U.S. Toronto is close to the border, so it'd be an okay substitute.

I know that feeling this way probably isn't normal. But I really can't help it. I don't understand why I feel this way, how geographical location can make me feel more safe. But it does. And I need to be as far from the ocean as possible, I don't know why.

The black blob is where I live. It's really not that far from the urban center of the province, really, but to me, it's lightyears away. I feel so lonely, even though I'm always surrounded by people. It's cliché, but true. I have hopes of moving to the States. Which I guess makes my Diaryland screenname really stupid.

I always think to myself, "One day I'm going to go to the U.S., join a wrestling school in Calgary, apply for jobs, start weight-lifting", and all these other things, but never do it. I really don't know why. FUCK. It can be so disheartening.

I feel lost. Like I have no purpose, and am going to amount to nothing. I won't settle for nothing. I need to be in the spotlight, but I have so many obstacles to overcome to do it. One major one being money. I need money if I want to get weights to start training, to go see Wrestlemania 20 in Madison Square Garden, to go to a choice college, and to go to a wrestling school. But I have no money. I'm so full of doubts right now. I don't think I can become more outspoken, sculpt my body, and save that kind of money.

I know I can.

I need to keep assuring myself. God, help me.

then + now