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Yesterday I watched the 9/11 special on CBS. I stayed up, because it was just so compelling. I'd never actually realized that the attacks were as BIG as they were. It was an amazing special, it really made me rethink everything I thought about the whole situation. I said an extra-long prayer last night.

Okay, today was a pretty A-OK day. Know what? KNOW WHAT? I heard his voice! *squeal* I heard my hot Dan-lookalike's voice. It's different from all the other voices. It's so sexy, yet sort of dewy and goofy. Aww. He was really loud and obnoxious in what he said, though. That sort of ruined my 'quiet and mysterious' vibe I was getting off him. But I'll still adore him, teehee. I actually think of the classes I have as opposed to the ones he does just so I can see if I'll pass him in the hall and get to glance at him. Stalker much? >.<

Once, my friend and I were in an empty classroom and he was in there, too, so was some random girl. I thought he was pretty interesting-looking, but just some faceless person. I asked my friend what his last name was. She said she didn't know, then just called his name and went, "what's your last name?" and he looked a little confused and said his name, then went, "why?" Then she went, "oh, no reason" and we laughed. It must have seemed like I liked him. This was a long while ago, though.

The other day, I was standing in this circle with about 4 of my friends, and we were all talking and laughing. I saw him, and knowing me, I never give up a chance to stare at him. And I glanced his way, he was at his locker, and he was actually looking at me. I don't know if he was looking at something near me, but his eye went right close to me. I was embarrassed because he'd seen me look at him, but I figured he wouldn't know I'm practically obsessed with him. But then I found out that an aqcuaintance knows I like him. I only told about 4 people, and now she knows? Someone's the sneak. They could have told him. Maybe I care just a little too much.

I still just cannot believe that Dan-lookalike was in my class for a fucking MONTH and I didn't notice him. That was when I wore frumpy clothes and was very disgusting. I hope he doesn't remember me. He's a basic guy, which means that every girl is based on whether or not she's 'hot.' Shit.

He enclouds my mind. I get very self-conscious, always thinking about whether or not I'm wearing too much makeup or if my stomach is showing. I feel so fat, and ugly, and repulsive lately. I don't think I'm any fatter than before. Which is odd because I'm noticing flab where I didn't even care to look before. Once, I had no clue that I had a big butt before someone actually told me. A guy, actually, in a very gross remark. He was looking? I never thought of it as a bad thing, though, more of a asset. It is an asset... because, hey, what kind of guy wouldn't want a nice ass on a girl? ^_^

The point is, I feel very unattractive. I've never felt this much so before. It sucks ass. That's pretty much all I have to say.

Sorry if I annoyed you with my crazed crush on a really sexy guy. My apologies. ^_^

"Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

then + now